


Homecoming

by fid_gin



Series: The Loved 'verse [24]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-20 00:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1490515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fid_gin/pseuds/fid_gin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something goes wrong and the Doctors find themselves landing somewhere they never expected to see again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

> Original post date: 6/18/2009
> 
> Crack fic, written when a friend and I were lamenting, after falling in love with the Big Finish Audio drama [Exile](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exile_\(Doctor_Who_audio\)), that there didn't appear to be any fic involving the nameless, ridiculous and lovable two Time Lords who venture out to retrieve the Doctor and bring him back to Gallifrey. So, I wrote some! In the _Loved_ 'verse! Needless to say, it's complete crack and makes no sense...but then, neither does _Exile_ , really, which is part of what makes it awesome.

The Doctor in blue stepped out of the TARDIS with trepidation, the deafening clang of the cloister bell bonging from behind him. They had landed in some sort of great hall, and it had been so long, so very very long that he very nearly didn't recognize it at first. He turned slowly, his mouth agape. “That's impossible,” he whispered, those two words which his counterpart so frequently employed for once feeling completely comfortable falling from his lips.

“SO, DOCTOR. YOU HAVE _RETURNED_ TO US.”

“YES. YOU HAVE _RETURNED_ TO US.”

He spun at the sound of the voices, his one heart racing in his chest. He didn't recognize the two Time Lords seated there in their ceremonial robes, but that didn't mean anything. This had to be a hallucination, after all, and even if it wasn't they could have been regenerations. It wasn't as if he had had a lot of time to visit on Gallifrey before...

“That's _impossible_ ,” he repeated, combing his fingers through his hair. “Gallifrey, the Time War, all of it! It's time-locked!”

The slightly older of the two old men raised his bushy eyebrows. “Well! It would appear you don't know everything!”

“Yes,” the slightly younger, prissier-looking Time Lord seated next to him parroted. “It would appear...”

“Would you _stop_ that?” the other Time Lord hissed.

“Yes, of course. Sorry, old chap,” the other man mumbled, twirling his hand in a _Go on_ gesture.

“Besides,” the older man boomed, retrieving and unrolling a scroll from next to his oversized plush armchair. “It says here in your _very long_ list of crimes, Theta Sigma, that you have in fact been travelling with another renegade Time Lord for some time now. Also calling himself the Doctor.”

“With another _human companion_ ,” the younger man said while peering over the other's shoulder to read the scroll, pausing to roll his eyes dramatically before continuing. “And that the three of you have been...” He squinted, trying to read the fine print, and then his jaw dropped, his mouth a shocked O and his nose wrinkled in horror. “Oh! Oh that's _disgusting!_ That's just unnatural!”

The part-human Doctor clasped his hands behind his back, rolling on the balls of his feet and clicking his tongue as he pondered the high ceilings of the Panopticon. “The thing is, gents,” he started, “you shouldn't even exist. I don't know how much I can tell you without rupturing the fabric of reality, but let's just say if there's anyone who's unnatural here, it's you two and this...this hall and your silly robes, not me.”

The younger Time Lord leaned closer to the older. “Did he just insult our robes?”

“I believe he did!”

“Now, don't get me wrong,” the Doctor went on. “I've worn the silly robes myself a time or two. But if you two have somehow defied the laws of time to put me on trial, you could have at least worn something a little more...frightening? Awe-inspiring? Less ridiculous?”

“SILENCE!” the older man boomed. “Now then, Doctor, for your _numerous_ crimes against the universe and the laws of the Time Lords, we have no choice but to sentence you to immediate...”

“Ah, hold on just, just...just a tic,” the Doctor said, holding up his hands as though there were a weapon trained on him. For all he knew, there was. “I think you'll find, actually, that I am _not_ the Doctor.”

The two men stared at him. “You're not?” the younger one asked, his lower lip sticking out slightly.

“No, I'm definitely, absolutely not. I'm human! One hundred percent human, and if you scan me just real quick, you'll see that I've only got one heart. One heart, that's not the Doctor, is it?” He grinned as the green scanning beam moved up and down the length of his body.

“Son of a _bitch_ ,” the younger Time Lord cried.

“Language!” the other barked at him. To the Doctor in blue, he said “Can you explain, then, how you appeared in the Doctor's TARDIS?”

The Doctor glanced nervously over his shoulder. “I can, actually. You see, I'm just another _human companion_. The Doctor's just inside there.” He jabbed a finger back in the direction of the TARDIS doors, through which the cloister bell was still just barely audible. “I'll just...go and get him for you.” He was stepping backwards as he spoke, hands in pockets, thinking he'd throw the doors closed as soon as he was through them, run to the console and dematerialize without even taking time to explain to Rose or the other Doctor what the problem was. So when the other Doctor approached him from behind, slipping his arms around his waist and planting a kiss on his neck, the Doctor practically jumped out of his skin.

“What's going...” the other Doctor trailed off as he saw the two Time Lords and their silly robes. “But that's _impossible!_ ” he shouted, taking a few staggering steps forward. The two older men looked at each other with identical confused expressions, then turned back to the two Doctors.

“SO, DOCTORS. YOU HAVE _RETURNED_ TO US.”

The Doctor in blue rested his forehead against his steepled fingers. They were going to be here awhile.


End file.
